PLZ FEED

i wrote this for a topical battle on UF. the topic was "the 12 nights of christmas" tell me wat ya'll think

On the first night of christmas my father passed away
I couldnt believe shit had happened i didnt know wat ta say.

On the second night of christmas I had way to much ta drink
Cryin an everybody, tears pourin, jus tryin not ta think.

Now the third night i was pissed off an ready ta go ta hell,
got arrested for assault an spent 3 nights in a jail cell

Nights four five an six was spent jus contemplatin
If life is worth livin but i couldnt keep my conentration.

The seventh night i was freed an ready to let the past reamain
but memories kept hittin me, my ass was goin insane!

Who did what? Why did it all occur? i wasnt sure
Why my father had ta die celebratin Christ's Birth!

On the eighth night of christmas i was still confused an feelin apethetic,
Screamin "If all this agony's gonna kill me get it over with I'll let it!"

The ninth night i was poppin pills tryin ta help my death come faster
Using every breath ta curse God believing he created this bastard!

On the tenth night i was done fightin, ready to accept reality,
i'll take shit as it comes, that was my mentality.

The eleventh night came an i was startin ta reveal a smile,
not knowin if it was real or jus a show for a awhile.

The twelth night came an my pain was subsiiding
Tryin ta get back on track after the rollercoaster i been riding

I start ta think back over all of the years past,
rememberin everyday wit my father until the very last.

I know i'll never bring him back but its still on my wish list,
I pray to God an apologize sayin i cant believe i missed this,
CUZ JUST REJOICING LIFE ITSELF IS THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.

Umnn... this should go in the open mic... the "Narrative Chronicles" forum
is for free writing. All text which isn't lyrical goes here. Ie; short stories, etc...

!

dammit i cant get shit right thanks for movin it for me tho lol you mind feedin it now that its in the right place

i liked this, thank god it didnt end how most would hav..
..real good flow, sum decent multies in'it, good message at the end..
by far my favourite piece from you.. keep at it..

yay i finally accomplished somethin lmao thanks man, but btw wat you mean end how most would have?

...had some nice points to it... seeming more fit for audio [obviously, I guess]
Couldn't really find a solid flow - but all depends on how you flowed it when you wrote it.
Textually, your flows off. imo.

Content was good... I was feelin' your emotions and seeing
the imagery... good shit.

Seemed it was written like a keystyle... which is to say - you
could'uh souped this verse up tremendously... but has a "freestyle"
quality to it - which I also appreciate when looking at material.

Vocab was okay... decent enough for me not to focus on it.
Could'uh been thought out more, though. Usege of certain
words can be amped up.

Metas were pretty decent... not much for a "wow" response, though.

I liked how you went through the days... that was aiight.

...this seemed like a LW topical piece though. I don't wanna
give you the impression that this was HOT... but... you did have
some shit in there that I enjoyed. Try all areas of lyricism...
H-Core, Punchlines, Multies, wordplays... see what's your knack and
what ain't - then work mainly on what you lack at, or what you wanna
sharpen. Shit takes time, Fam. There's some cool google adds in here, too
that might benefit you lyrically [I've peeped'em too... they'z good shit to read]
...all in all, jus' keep elevatin', Fam.

One ['1]

people wuld hav taken it into the direction where he kills himself er sum ish...
you had a nice positive spin..

thanks madeye, i appreciate you actually helpin me an givin full feed back i aint use ta that shit lmao an kris thanks ta you too, i'm glad you enjoyed the positive spin i figured it was christmas i cant make this too sad ;D

I liked this man i love to read spits thats opical foreal u showed alot of creativity, keep this up fam, foreal u doin a good job

thanks man i'll keep droppin no worries